Not Great, But OK
Rondo of Blog - Published: August 22, 2023
I like to think I’m a pretty good person. I do my best, I try and help people when I can, and I think I do a pretty good job at those things. Sometimes I’ll get thanked or complimented for what I do, and that’s all well and good.
It just kinda grates on me when I get talked up like I’m this overwhelmingly special and wonderful person because it keeps preceding me being treated in uniquely horrible ways.
CW/TW: Vague Reference to Abuse
I got thinking of my abusive ex the other night. I talk about her every now and then but, despite everything I say, I don’t want anyone getting the impression things were all bad. The bad outweighed the good in the end and that’s why I left, but I don’t believe I’ve ever had a relationship that didn’t give me something good to take away from it.
No, what came to my mind when I thought of her was how highly she thought of me when we were together. She’d tell me how thankful she was for how kind I am, how patient I am, how much I sacrificed for her - and I was very patient and sacrificed a lot. Too much, actually.
There were so many times where a whole day would go down the drain as I tried to help her with whatever inane problem she had, and at the end of it she’d always be the most grateful thing in the world. So astounded at what incredible, life-changing love I so freely gave to her.
Except it never changed anything. Not enough, anyway.
She kept talking me up like I was the greatest girl in the whole wide world, then treat me like garbage, then gushing again about how amazing I was after I helped her through the latest manufactured crisis. Over and over. Being her girlfriend was an unsustainable and soul-destroying job, but I can never say it was a thankless one.
Similarly, I’ve had lots of people go on about how smart they think I am. In their eyes, I’m a fucking genius who could get into… I dunno, fucking rocket science, if I wanted to.
Lots of those people also somehow don’t think I know myself enough to understand my gender. If I’m such a genius, I think I’d be able to have figured out about myself what a 6 year-old girl declaring herself to be the prettiest princess in all of fairy land already knows about herself.
Add all that up and it’s no wonder overpraising is a pet peeve of mine.
It’s a weird pet peeve to have. No one who ever steps in it nowadays ever means anything by it, and I try not to get too impatient at them for it. But still, it bugs me.
Now, when someone actually treats me wonderfully? That’s different! People like Cluster have been consistently and meaningfully good to me, not just saying I’m great but treating me with decency and kindness while they’re at it. That’s all I want, in any relationship, at least when I deserve it!
I try to be a decent person. I try to live up to whatever I ask of anyone else, because I think that’s only fair. I think people should be kinder to one another, so I try to do that in my own life to sort of put that out into the world. Same goes for patience, meeting others where they’re at, and so on.
If I could ask one tiny favor, while we’re all trying to be better people, though? Try not to talk me up like I’m super great. Because I’m not… but I’m pretty ok, at least. :)